dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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