I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
