I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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