Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
