she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
