Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
