Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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