Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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