the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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