You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
