I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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