Don't make out with my wife yet
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
