How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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