oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
