the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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