now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
