Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
