I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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