grandma shit on top of the toilet
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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