Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
