he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize