I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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