Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
