Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
