she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize