Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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