So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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