My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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