If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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