I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
