I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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