Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
