We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
