This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
