Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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