Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
