I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
