fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
