I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
