I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
