Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
