So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
