chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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