I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
it's like iHOP with fire
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You are the jesus of drinking
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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