I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
