I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
