and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
