Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
