it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
