I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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