hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
His hands were made for my vagina.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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