dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
