if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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