Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
