i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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