So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize