So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
we're making bets on your personal life
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
