Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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