____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I think i got beer on your cat.
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