I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
