And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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