I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
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